One day after the worst Islamic terrorist attack on American soil since 9/11, Media outlets are busy preparing their most Important articles: those that warn against an Islamophobic backlash.
Journalists at The Washington Post, The Guardian and The New York Times are reportedly digging through their previous ‘backlash’ articles in an effort to ensure that their ‘backlash’ articles this week will not be too reminiscent of them.
Following the code of conduct published by The International Conspiracy of Journalists in 2001, all writers for mainstream news sources are bound, by blood oath, to respond to all violence by Muslims or immigrants with ‘backlash’ articles.
‘Backlash’ articles have no set structure but often begin by introducing innocent Muslims who, having learned of the latest Islamic attack, immediately begin to ‘fear a backlash.’
Quotes from such innocent Muslims will inform us that Muslims are peaceful and civilized and just want to live their peaceful, civilized lives. They, however, sense a threat: the ‘backlash.’
The ‘backlash’ is a violent response to Islam by white people that never actually happens. The main point of ‘backlash’ articles is, however, to make it clear that a ‘backlash’ is definitely happening and that the ‘backlash’ is more troubling and more dangerous than the Islamic violence that triggered it.
Alongside their ‘backlash’ articles many news sources are planning to publish brand new ‘put the focus elsewhere’ articles. Reporters from The Guardian tell us, “we’ve obviously got a journalistic duty to try to pin the blame on something other than Islam, Muslims, or Muslim immigration. Our go-to thing in cases like this is normally guns. So we’ll probably try that this time too.”
“And we’ll have a fair few articles by Muslims writing about how stressful it is being Muslim in the West, what with all the Islamophobia they experience on the London Underground and at airports and stuff.”
The New York Times plans to refer to this latest Muslim terrorist as ‘an American man’ because he was born in New York. “It’s called accuracy!” yelled a New York Times sub-editor.
A feature writer from The Washington Post smiles coyly and says “we’re going to blame Trump. This is what happens when you say you’ll ban Muslim immigration.”
At the time of writing it is believed that writers from Salon, Mother Jones and Gawker are picking out comments from the Stormfront message board in an attempt to build narratives about the Islamophobia of American life.
“Amanda Marcotte over at Salon is doing great work in smudging the blame over to ‘Christian Fundamentalists’ and ‘bigotry,’” said a representative of The International Conspiracy of Journalists, “we’re really hoping for more articles and features like that over the next week or so.”
“We all plan to conclude our pieces by saying that the answer is more Muslim immigration,” continues the representative of The International Conspiracy of Journalists.
The question is undetermined at the time of writing.