A miniaturized Dennis Quaid is to be killed by a local women, into whom he was injected, unless pro-life activists can prove his humanity by next Wednesday.
Scientists working on an experiment in human miniaturization revealed this week that their experiments have resulted in beloved Hollywood actor Dennis Quaid being “shrunk down to about the size of a blood cell and injected into the test subject.”
However, the test subject, local women Amy Austin, had second thoughts about taking part in the experiment. “Technically,” she points out, “since I’d had a drink that afternoon, the consent form I signed doesn’t count.”
Dennis Quaid, yesterday
Amy Austin plans to abort Dennis Quaid and has booked an appointment at her local abortion clinic for Wednesday morning. The procedure would result in the death of Dennis Quaid as, in his miniaturized state, he is dependent on his host, Amy Austin, for oxygen and nutrition.
Amy Austin reveals that the news of her plan to abort Dennis Quaid has resulted in her being the victim of relentless cyberbullying from both pro-life activists and Dennis Quaid fans.
Justifying her plans she says “what they don’t seem to understand is that a woman’s body is her own business. What right do they or anyone have to say what I do with my own body?”
“And let’s not forget that the thing inside me isn’t a human anyway,” she goes on to explain, “humans just can’t be that small. It’s impossible. The actor everyone cares about ceased to exist the second they hit him with that shrink ray. The thing I’m aborting simply isn’t Dennis Quaid and certainly isn’t a human life.”
Dennis Quaid’s craft explores a ligament
Pro-life activists and fans of Dennis Quaid, however, are fighting in court to have Amy Austin’s plans recognised as conspiracy to murder.
“It’s a complicated case,” says legal scholar Tim Wretkin, “under Wisconsin state law an abortion can take place up to the twenty-fourth week of pregnancy. Dennis Quaid, however, is sixty-two years old and this, technically, isn’t a pregnancy. So it’s uncharted territory.”
“If, however, you’re counting from the moment of injection, which is Miss Austin’s position, the Dennis Quaid-thing is only four weeks old. So you see this case depends on whether the current occupant of Miss Austin’s body is continuous with the life of Dennis Quaid. Is it the same thing? And, if so, how do you prove it in a court of law?”
Members of the Dennis Quaid fan club have suggested that the movements of the miniaturized Dennis Quaid show all the signs of Dennis Quaid’s “trademark wit and good nature” and so prove, to some degree, that the miniaturized Quaid and the Quaid of such films as The Flight of the Phoenix, The Day After Tomorrow, and Frequency are “definitely the same person.”
“We think that the movements of the craft show that the miniature Quaid is attempting to communicate with his son,” said fan club president John Martin, “and that’s classic Quaid.”
Quaid has several times appeared behind the eye-ball
Pro-life activists are pursuing a different strategy. “Abortion laws generally differentiate between human and non-human by degree of brain activity, so if we can show that the miniature Quaid has ‘human level’ brain activity, we can prevent the killing of Mr Quaid,” says pro-life activist and head of the Save Quaid protest organization, Lily Champion.
The activists, however, would need a court order to obtain the scans necessary to determine the status of Dennis Quaid’s brain activity as Amy Austin is refusing to co-operate.
The case is ongoing.