The tentacles of the New York Times are to be extended to Australia in an attempt to infect as many Australians as possible with the brain parasite called liberalism.
Research teams are already on the ground in Australia to check for parasite susceptibility and recruitment for local hosts has begun.
The Times has had an eye on expanding its tentacles globally for some time. However, attempts to spread liberalism amongst non-English speaking countries including India have been abandoned due to the physiological fact that only white people are susceptible to liberalism.
“We hope to infect Australians so they might soon, in a fit of suicidal liberalism, decide to import a billion Africans into their country for no reason,” said one of the tentacles.