Vladimir Putin laughed at the lameness of England football fans this weekend as he questioned how 200 Russian supporters were able to beat up “several thousand” followers of Roy Hodgson’s side at the Euro 2016 tournament in France.
With a mixture of pride and bafflement Vladimir Putin, speaking at the economic forum in St Petersburg, wondered out loud; “I don’t know how 200 Russian fans could beat several thousand English.”
French police said a core group of 150 “super big-and-tough” and “really hard and ripped” Russian supermen travelled to Marseille intent on being “the hardest in all of France.”
The Russian supermen are believed to be seven feet tall, with “feet of iron and souls of lead,” and that a single Russian superman can take on a thousand English ‘Quentin Crisps.’ (The Quentin Crisp is a unit of measurement quantifying English football fan weakness. One Quentin Crisp equals roughly two ‘standard’ 72kg English football fans).
An apologist for English weakness explained that the Russian supermen were “really big and wouldn’t play fair,” and went on to say that the English fans were “a bit worried they might get hurt, and that distracted them,” and “it’s all France’s fault.”
Vladimir Putin has offered to teach the English fans how to be ‘real men’, inviting them to his next topless, horse-riding, gun shooting, tiger-wrestling hike up the mountains.