In a proclamation of absolute and unswerving conformity to the attitudes of the age in which they live, the bland and intellectually incurious band of white boys, Wavves, have declared that they find rebellion ‘offensive.’
Wavves released a statement from the comfort of their cork-lined safe-space tour bus referring to a world of abstract horrors including ‘constant rape, murder, racism, homophobia, and misogyny.’
Though the imagined world could be seen as a fairly accurate reflection of the attitudes of either black popular culture or Islam, Wavves, bafflingly, went on to ban from their concerts not Muslims or fans of black culture, but Trump voters, supporters of the hashtag #alllivesmatter, and defenders of the police.
“It’s a deeply odd statement,” says rock ‘n’ roll historian Cody Flowers, “it makes no sense at all while at the same time there’s nothing remotely ‘rock ‘n’ roll about it.”
Some suspect that Wavves may be a cruel joke involving special needs children that has now, clearly, gone too far.
Some fans still love Wavves however, “they’re great! They’re completely conformist and utterly bland and their music feels like it talks to me personally!” said a bowl of cold porridge as it slowly congealed in an abandoned caravan.